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I don't

I don't want to talk today. I don't want to open my mouth. I just want to sit quietly and type. Typing feels like I am doing something, like maybe I am doing something useful and worthwhile. It feels like maybe I am working or studying. Like maybe I am getting somewhere or at least I'm going somewhere. I don't even know what I want to say today. I am just tired and all I have done is sit on the couch and watch tv. I haven't done any chores (except the basics like feed the animals), I haven't walked the dogs, I haven't seen the people I was supposed to see, I am not making the dinner I promised to make. I am sitting on the couch flicking through one hundred channels of foxtel. I have barely moved all day. I have not left the house, not talked to people, not answered the phone. I have shut out the world for an entire day. I have not showered, haven't brushed my teeth,haven't combed my hair. I just haven't....... I just don't........... Clearly I'm not having the best of days.

An ode to my pooches

The dogs, cats and rats are all doing well. I love my dogs so much. I walk them at least once a day, they get me out into the fresh air and moving about. They remind me to play and how to love. They careen around the park enjoying fresh air, open space and a simple game. They love their "pack" (including rats and cats) unconditionally but they are more discerning with others. They greet everyone in an incredibly friendly manner but if they are unsure they trust their instincts and become reserved, if someone is unfriendly (dog or human) they simply keep walking and don't take it personally, if someone offers a game they never say no. What a way to be in the world! My dogs are a huge part of my life and a big part of my sanity. Dogs can sit and listen without interrupting or offering advice, dogs sit quietly with you, undemanding but offering you strength and support simply by being there. They are a lot of work but I would rather be penniless and living under a bridge than be without my dogs.

Update

Life ticks along here.

I am looking for a new job, something full time, pays well and is challenging. I have spent a long time doing bits and pieces here and there and now I want to bring my varied skills together and consolidate them. I am no longer a student so it is time to look for a full time job where I can progress and be promoted. I have loved working at the bookshop and it will break my heart to leave but it is time to move on.

T has gone back to uni! She is doing university by correspondence, very boring degree that is good for her career (okay, she might not find it boring). T is very good at what she does and has worked in the transport industry for a long time. This degree will allow her to continue moving up, which is fantastic because she is bloody wasted where she is. Unfortunately the company has no foresight and is not supporting her at all in her university endeavors. Fortunately she is so good at her job that she manages to get her work done and study at work as well. I guess the company is supporting her study, they just don't know they are!

We currently have two dogs, two cats and two rats. Ruby is still around and doing really well. Busta is a new addition, we think he is a mastiff X kelpie. Busta loves other dogs and is a big smoocher and really quite lazy. Busta loves going to the dog park and having a good play with the other dogs but after that he is very content to lie around and either sleep or chew a bone. Ruby and Busta are polar opposites! Both are great with children and people, very well behaved and know a range of commands. T takes them out for a walk in the morning and I take them out in the evenings. We power walk for 30 mins to the park, dawdle through the park for 30 mins and then power walk home for 30 mins. The exercise is good for me and for them.

The cats are cats and I have had rats before. I fell in love with rats as soon as I bought my first one home. They are very inquisitive, very smart and very social. They are complete mischief makers and adapt very quickly. Rats are naturally fearful of cats but mine have adapted to living with them so now if a cat sits beside their cage they come out and investigate. The cats mainly ignore them and the cats certainly don't hunt them. We take them out every day and play with them, last week we took them to the markets with us and had to stop every five minutes to let children pat them. For their part the rats said hello to everyone and continuously made their funny little "happy" noise. They make a grunting type of noise when they are happy. They are grey and white and their names are Gertrude and Beatrice.

T and I are both playing cricket. I am so happy to being playing sport again, I have missed it the last few years. I do bookgroup each month. T continues to do cooking courses. T has also started building a workbench with my brother and her new power tools. T and our new/old housemate P do some leather working as well.

Basically I have a very full and a very happy life.

Movember

Movember - Sponsor Me

My brother-in-law is in his mid-twenties and has a baby face so his Mo is pretty pathetic but he's trying, he's cultivating every scruffy hair on his upper lip! I have depression and my brother has bi-polar disorder (manic depression) so it's a cause pretty close to my heart- donations go to Beyond Blue http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx? and a prostate cancer organisation. Maybe next year I'll put my Mo out there for sponsorship.

Home alone

I am lonely tonight. I miss my partner. I want to be wrapped around her, as tight and as close as I can be. I want to be under her skin, inside her. I want her here, I want her home, I miss her.

It's hard sometimes. I work days and at the moment I work every day. She works evenings and now a few days too. It's hard when we're both working so much. I know I have to keep reminding myself it's all for a good cause- we work so we can pay off the debts. We pay off the debts because we have to-duh- but also so we can start having kids. And I know we won't be working this much forever, it's just for a little while.....but it doesn't make me any less lonely tonight. All the good reasons in the world don't mean I miss her less.

I lucked right out with this womyn. She is big and butch and beautiful. I am safe with her, I trust her, I can let down my guard when she is around. And we have fun, so much fun! We laugh a lot, we get on really well, I really enjoy her company. I like who she is, I like being around her, it feels like just hanging out with a mate it is so easy, it just flows. She is incredibly loyal and incredibly kind. She would do anything to help a friend and almost anything to help a stranger and she is loyal to a fault. This womyn will stick by you through thick and thin and continues to stick by me no matter what comes our way. I can depend on her, she is stable, she is a rock with a warm heart that she allows me to crawl in to.

And yes she makes me hot- that goes without saying. There are times when I can not keep my hands off her (literally, I'm always in trouble for hands that wander). There is passion between us, there is fucking, there is sex and there is the most intense and intimate love making. There is flirting, so much flirting and mucking around, a sense of joy coupled with lust. We are a physical couple, we hold hands and stroke thighs and cuddle all the time- at home, in the street, everywhere.

Sometimes I really like my space, sometimes I enjoy not having her around. I can enjoy it because I know she will be back, I know it is not forever and I know I will be happy to see her.

Tonight is not one of those nights. I am not enjoying my space, I am not happy she is not here. I miss her. I wish she was here. I wish I could smell her and taste her and hold her. I wish she was here. A simple enough wish.

Quick update

I am well, T is well and so are all the fur-kids. I am flat out at the moment because it is school holidays so I am working almost every day. I am tired and a little bit stressed but it is only for another week and every little bit helps get the debts paid off. The baby conversations are getting more...realistic. Basically once the debts are paid off we will start trying. It's very exciting and a little scary but one thing at a time-debts first.

I have decided I am going to start playing sport again. I love playing sport- the fitness, socialising but above all the stress relief. On the field you go hard and you don't think about anything but the game, you give it everything you have, every little bit of energy, stress and frustration is focused and channelled and at the end of the game you leave it all on the field. Mostly I stopped playing sport because of work committments.....well, now it is time to put my health and well being first and I know sport is good for that. So I am planning on playing cricket again over summer and AFL in winter.

I want to try and get into a rhythm with some yoga and swimming too, they quiet my mind. My insane mind chatter slowed down almost as soon as I started the meds so if I am going to come off them I need to have something else to slow my thoughts down. I plan on starting slow, once or twice a week and building it into a habit, part of my routines.

That's about it really.

Dilema

I am doing the last of the unpacking currently and I have come across a shoe box of old diaries and I'm not sure what to do with them.

Part of me cringes and wants to throw them all out. Most of the diaries come from my teen years when I was in so much pain, I was so confused and so naive. I did things I'm not proud of. I never thought then that I'd get to where I am, I never thought then I would ever be the person I am today. I feel like a completely different person. The person in those diaries is completely alien to me, a child crying out in pain, confused and desperate. Now I am an adult, I've got my shit and my life together. I work a full time job load, I am in a long term committed relationship, I pay my rent and all my bills, I eat well, I exercise, I am responsible for another life (my dog). How did such a fucked up kid get here?

Part of me wants to keep them. I cringe with embarassment at what an idiot I was. I cringe most of all at all the times I trusted people and got my heart tread on. There is so much pain in those pages but my life demonstrates resilience. From the fucked up kid in a fucked up situation I have grown into a reasonably sane and responsible adult with a stable life.

Those diaries bring up pain for me every time I read them. I cry. I cry for the kid who could never get enough love, who struggled and survived. On one level I want to take that child and cradle her in my arms and tell her it will all be alright, I'm proof that it will get better. And sometimes I want to turn my back on that child, I am angry at her for being so vulnerable, for letting herself get hurt- if she was just tougher, a little harder than maybe it would have been easier, maybe it would have hurt less. If only she had shut her heart away properly, never let anyone in then it would have turned out alright. Sometimes I am so angry because of all the hurt.

I want to throw these diaries away because I want to distance myself from the pain, I want to distance myself from the vulnerable child, I do not want to hurt anymore.

Maybe I need to hang onto them a bit longer. Doesn't sound very resolved to me.

Tags:

Wow, it has been way too long!

Seeing as it's been soooo long since I posted I'd better catch you all up on the basics first and post in depth, emotional rants later.

T and I just moved house. It has been a long and stressful process with a very happy ending. We now live by ourselves with the cats and dog in a big three bedroom, study, outdoor room, second toilet, concrete roofed outdoor entertaining area, big backyard, floorboards throughout, well maintained, older house. I am loving, loving, loving living with T. It is our own special place, a home that is just ours. The animals have settled in well. The public transport is bloody awful but nothing I can do about that. We have unpacked almost everything so we'll start to be a bit more social soon! Standby for your housewarming invitations.

Obviously T and I are still doing well, very much in love, committed and content. I love "playing house" with this womyn.....okay, I love playing a few other things too but I'm trying to keep this post PG rated. A lot of our life goals are the same so the relationship continues to head in a direction that is right for both of us. We have a lot of the same priorities and values which makes it easy to fit two lives together in a comfortable and sustainable way. And did I mention she's hot?

The "furr-kids" are all doing well. I think my dog is my soul mate, I don't think people can connect to one another on the level that animals seem to connect to us. Companion animals have truly attained enlightenment and they're not even trying! There is no judgement, very little fear or saddness just an acceptance of how things are and a lot of peace and joy. I am still enjoying daily walks and games in the sunshine with Ruby. I think I would have sunk a lot lower earlier this year without her love and devotion. Sometimes I think she literally saved my life. We have met so may fantastic people because of Ruby and she makes sure I get a good dose of sunshine and some fresh air everyday. The cats and I have an understanding....they tolerate me and I do my best to love them as much as T does.

I am still at the bookshop 2 days a week. I love the people I work with but I am starting to believe it is time to move on. I know I have gone as far as I can in this position and I think I have learnt everything I can from the wonderful womyn I work with. I have lost the spark I started with and my committment is waning so it feels like the right time to move on.

I started working at the zoo a couple of months ago and I am really enjoying it. I work in the gift shops, all the shops are not-for-profit so I know every sale I make helps run the zoo and fund the many conservation and education projects the zoo runs. It is a simple retail job though so I am already bored.

Plans to move to Brisbane have been put on hold due to the completely unexpected local move. Our landlord had just gotten through telling us he wanted us to stay for another twelve months and pay the same rent etc, etc, etc so of course we started to make long term plans based on that. A few weeks later we got an eviction notice, he'd sold the house to his sister and she wanted to move in. Brilliant. This has set us back financially, emotionally and time wise. We have a twelve month lease in the new house so we're now planning on moving to Brisbane at the end of 2009. Of course we're also hoping to start trying to get pregnant late 2009 so you never know what'll happen.

My current job situation was only meant to be temporary, something to tide me over until the Brisbane move. I am feeling a bit stuck in my jobs and I really want something more permanent and something challenging. I will be seriously job hunting in a few weeks when the house is well and truly set up and life has settled again.

Yawning and typing

I am so incredibly tired that I barely have the energy to check other peoples journals let alone write an entry for mine. Yet here I am, yawning and typing because it has been far too long since I "said" anything in cyber space.

I had an extremely productive day today. There is change in the air in my life. Meds make my moods manageable, stable, doable. I feel almost normal for the first time in my life.....at least emotionally. It's a nice place to be.

I am job searching in a very structured way at the moment. I spent most of my day at a Job Network Provider scanning job ads on the internet and applying for seven of them. I now have 10 job applications pending and an idea about where to go next with work and study.

I feel like cleaning out at the moment so tonight I started throwing out all the clothes that no longer fit, I haven't worn in years or I simply don't like.

My life and all it's material manifestations are getting a serious overhaul but for the first time that is a slow and healthy process as opposed to a manic, jarring shift.

Life is good.

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